Oh the joys

I have worked my hind end off, literally, for the past year to get into shape and lost nearly 50 lbs.  So when I found out I was pregnant again I was none to happy.  I know, "but soon you'll have a beautiful baby to hold"...blah, blah, blah.  

I never struggled with my weight growing up until after I had my first child...At 19!!  From there on out it was down hill.  Before baby girl #2 I was over weight and by 9 months pregnant I weighed 239 lbs.  Now with each kid following that I weighed less but not by a lot.  So you can see why it makes me a little nervous.  I know I'm not going to gain 100 lbs. to reach that weight again, but my problem is I have a hard time not caving to cravings and all I want lately is JUNK!  To be specific Taco Bell.  I haven't caved yet but oh man...fingers crossed I can keep up the energy, keep my butt at the gym and keep conscience of what I'm eating.

Suprise!!

So if you're reading this SSSHHHHHH!!!

Not like it's a huge suprise coming from us but we are expecting again.  We apparently DO NOT know how to plan to have kids and are not very good at our methods of prevention (although they are the same as everyone else and it's works for them).  We were more than surprised and we are trying to keep it a secret for as long as possible.  Mostly to cut down on the months of criticism from other people..lol.  

I'm still in the I want to cry my eyes out, I just spent a year losing 50 lbs., I have TWO bedrooms in my 870 sq. ft. house, where are we going to put a 5th baby, how are we going to pay for a c-section with no ins. stage of this news...but that being said I'm trying to get excited and realize that for us these babies come on God's time not ours.  So FAITH is the name of the game this time around.

No fun

Miscarriages just plain suck. 

Even if you don't plan on being pregnant...especially if you don't plan on being pregnant.

Just when I get my head wrapped around having another baby right as my "babies" are getting more and more independent it happens.

Every time is different.  Every time is miserable.  Every time I hate it.

And most times I don't say a word.

I've lost more children than I've given birth to.

 This time will likely be no different...at least in that respect.

 

Mixed feelings.

This entire pregnancy has felt surreal.

It took me a few weeks to be okay with being pregnant again which was okay. Then I was in school for 3 1/2 months there in the middle. And now we area almost done and it still doesn't feel like we will be bringing home a new little guy to our home in a few weeks. This scares me a little since every other child I've had it has felt very real and I have been very attached long before the baby is born, but this one feels different.

I have had that gut wrenching feeling the entire pregnancy that something is going to go wrong. I know it sound ridiculous but I had a similar feeling with Gabriel the night before he was born and then we ended up with an emergency c-section. So I've learned to trust those feelings. I think that is partly the reason why I have not connected with this child the same way I did with my other children. I have been nervous to get to close. Hopefully all goes well and in 4 weeks we have a new little man living at our house and getting far too much "love and attention" from his older siblings. But in the back of my head I can't get out that we might not.

Names?

There was one more I forgot on our list...Luca.

So far I am leaning toward Raphael mostly because when I first heard it, it resonated with me. Also, because I do not like the nic-names for the other names we like. But I have heard several for Raphael and I don't mind any of them....Rafi, Rafa, Reaf, etc.

Gotta say, never ever thought I would even consider Raphael...EVER! but if we do name him that I already know what his first Halloween costume will be:)

Really?

So I just realized the other day that we only have 2 months left in this pregnancy. Something about both Michael and I having 30 credit hours between us and having three children pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind. It is crazy how fast this pregnancy has seemed to have gone. I just now am starting to get excited and anxious about the new addition to our family.

20 something weeks.

I have no idea how far along I am. People ask all the time and I can't tell them. This is baby #4 people. I don't keep track. I only know that we are due sometime in the end of February and that it's a boy.

Our little guy is getting big. I have been having some severe trouble breathing so the OB sent me to a cardiologist to check things out. After seeing him today and having him feel around my stomach he's pretty sure it's because our boy is trying to "shove his head through your lungs". Glad that's all it is but I still have around 2 1/2 or 3 months left so I'm guessing that's just going to get worse:(