Mixed feelings.

This entire pregnancy has felt surreal.

It took me a few weeks to be okay with being pregnant again which was okay. Then I was in school for 3 1/2 months there in the middle. And now we area almost done and it still doesn't feel like we will be bringing home a new little guy to our home in a few weeks. This scares me a little since every other child I've had it has felt very real and I have been very attached long before the baby is born, but this one feels different.

I have had that gut wrenching feeling the entire pregnancy that something is going to go wrong. I know it sound ridiculous but I had a similar feeling with Gabriel the night before he was born and then we ended up with an emergency c-section. So I've learned to trust those feelings. I think that is partly the reason why I have not connected with this child the same way I did with my other children. I have been nervous to get to close. Hopefully all goes well and in 4 weeks we have a new little man living at our house and getting far too much "love and attention" from his older siblings. But in the back of my head I can't get out that we might not.

Names?

There was one more I forgot on our list...Luca.

So far I am leaning toward Raphael mostly because when I first heard it, it resonated with me. Also, because I do not like the nic-names for the other names we like. But I have heard several for Raphael and I don't mind any of them....Rafi, Rafa, Reaf, etc.

Gotta say, never ever thought I would even consider Raphael...EVER! but if we do name him that I already know what his first Halloween costume will be:)

Really?

So I just realized the other day that we only have 2 months left in this pregnancy. Something about both Michael and I having 30 credit hours between us and having three children pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind. It is crazy how fast this pregnancy has seemed to have gone. I just now am starting to get excited and anxious about the new addition to our family.

20 something weeks.

I have no idea how far along I am. People ask all the time and I can't tell them. This is baby #4 people. I don't keep track. I only know that we are due sometime in the end of February and that it's a boy.

Our little guy is getting big. I have been having some severe trouble breathing so the OB sent me to a cardiologist to check things out. After seeing him today and having him feel around my stomach he's pretty sure it's because our boy is trying to "shove his head through your lungs". Glad that's all it is but I still have around 2 1/2 or 3 months left so I'm guessing that's just going to get worse:(

Oops.

I completely forgot about this blog until just now. I haven't said hardly a thing about this baby boy. Well we are around 26 weeks pregnant now and things are going okay. I have managed to keep energy up enough to go to school and get some house work done while taking care of 3 children+1 husband+1 dog:) I have to go visit a cardiologist next week because an x-ray the dr. did came back with not so great results. Hopefully it will be no big deal and I won't have to hit bed rest but we'll see. This little man is starting to grow on me, and in more than the obvious way. For some reason it took me a long time to connect to this new addition to our family. I have a feeling something might go wrong and I need to be prepared for it so I think that played a roll in me not finding the attachment I did with my other babies. But I love feeling this little guy moving and kicking all day long. He is getting big and he is really high in my stomach so I already can hardly bend over to put my shoes on:( And frequently get kicked in the ribs.

All's well

Everything is going pretty well so far. I feel a little more morning sickness than I'd like but I also think that has some to do with my stomach problems. Other than that I have fealt pretty good. I even ran/walked a 5k on monday.

"Every little thing's gonna be okay"

So it took me 3 weeks but I'm okay with it now. If you've read my last post on this blog you would know that I have not been up to this point.

I know it's still really early in this pregnancy to really talk about it, especially for us, but most people already know. Mostly because "super sperm"...aka my husband, can't keep any secrets...EVER. Okay at least not when it comes to this particular subject.

I have really been struggling with this new little "gift" we are being given. And struggling to see it as such, which is something I have never had a problem with until now. But when I was lying in bed last night and laying with my stomach to Michael's back it all came rushing back to me. I loved being pregnant with buddha and I love feeling those crazy babies kick their dad in the back all night...as well they should.

I've had my sister's kids here a few days a weeks while she's working and it has reminded me how much I like the Chaos of so many kids so close together. So it took me a while but I am finally okay with this and if I dare say somewhat excited:)