Number 6

Six, that is the number of miscarriages we have had. 

 That a lot. 

We have 4 healthy children so I don't have too much to complain about but having lost 6 pregnancies, one of which was twins is hard when I think about it.  We have a unique perspective on this baby making journey. It took us 4 years to even get pregnant after our first child and then 2 miscarriages later we finally were able to see a pregnancy to term.  Now every time since then we have gotten pregnant while using protection. Crazy how that works. Try and nothing, prevent and all the hubs has to do is look at me and I'm knocked up again! But, just as quickly we usually lose these precious ones.  I'm grateful for an eternal perspective and I don't know how it all works with these spirits but if they are waiting for me on the other side, I'll be happy to see them.

The bad thing about no one knowing...

It happened again.  

Every cramp, every stomach pain is like a knife being twisted in my heart, reminder that my body is destroying the child I was carrying.  

Just when I think I've settled this out in my head another jab of pain throws me right back into it. 

As soon as I start thinking it must be nothing, just a little spotting, I feel the twist of my muscles mentally pulling me apart.  

I've done this 5 times and every time is different than the last and sometimes and doesn't hardly affect me at all but this time I just feel sad and angry.  

Sad that I had just gotten my head around the idea of having another little one, sad that I was just starting to get excited about the thought of it, sad that in 7 months we won't be in a surgical room getting prepped for a C-section.  

Angry because I was given a gift that I didn't know I wanted and than it was ripped from me, angry that my body doesn't do this well, angry that there is nothing I could have done, no way I could have prevented it, and no way I can change it.

I think it's even that much harder that no one knows.  That there is no one there to lean on or to sympathize with.  But isn't this the reason we chose to wait to tell everyone?  In case this were to happen AGAIN, like it has so many times before?  It doesn't make it any easier, to suffer in silence when my heart is screaming to be heard.  Not that I want anyone to know now, this being the week of Thanksgiving and I'm having a hard time feeling the spirit in it, and  I want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I don't have to think it or feel it anymore.  But since no one knows I get to plaster on my best "nothing's wrong here" face and be happy when all I want to do is cry for something I only had for a short time.

Life goes on, but sometimes I wish I could pause so I could process this before I'm expected to just move along with it.

Oh the joys

I have worked my hind end off, literally, for the past year to get into shape and lost nearly 50 lbs.  So when I found out I was pregnant again I was none to happy.  I know, "but soon you'll have a beautiful baby to hold"...blah, blah, blah.  

I never struggled with my weight growing up until after I had my first child...At 19!!  From there on out it was down hill.  Before baby girl #2 I was over weight and by 9 months pregnant I weighed 239 lbs.  Now with each kid following that I weighed less but not by a lot.  So you can see why it makes me a little nervous.  I know I'm not going to gain 100 lbs. to reach that weight again, but my problem is I have a hard time not caving to cravings and all I want lately is JUNK!  To be specific Taco Bell.  I haven't caved yet but oh man...fingers crossed I can keep up the energy, keep my butt at the gym and keep conscience of what I'm eating.

Suprise!!

So if you're reading this SSSHHHHHH!!!

Not like it's a huge suprise coming from us but we are expecting again.  We apparently DO NOT know how to plan to have kids and are not very good at our methods of prevention (although they are the same as everyone else and it's works for them).  We were more than surprised and we are trying to keep it a secret for as long as possible.  Mostly to cut down on the months of criticism from other people..lol.  

I'm still in the I want to cry my eyes out, I just spent a year losing 50 lbs., I have TWO bedrooms in my 870 sq. ft. house, where are we going to put a 5th baby, how are we going to pay for a c-section with no ins. stage of this news...but that being said I'm trying to get excited and realize that for us these babies come on God's time not ours.  So FAITH is the name of the game this time around.

No fun

Miscarriages just plain suck. 

Even if you don't plan on being pregnant...especially if you don't plan on being pregnant.

Just when I get my head wrapped around having another baby right as my "babies" are getting more and more independent it happens.

Every time is different.  Every time is miserable.  Every time I hate it.

And most times I don't say a word.

I've lost more children than I've given birth to.

 This time will likely be no different...at least in that respect.

 

Mixed feelings.

This entire pregnancy has felt surreal.

It took me a few weeks to be okay with being pregnant again which was okay. Then I was in school for 3 1/2 months there in the middle. And now we area almost done and it still doesn't feel like we will be bringing home a new little guy to our home in a few weeks. This scares me a little since every other child I've had it has felt very real and I have been very attached long before the baby is born, but this one feels different.

I have had that gut wrenching feeling the entire pregnancy that something is going to go wrong. I know it sound ridiculous but I had a similar feeling with Gabriel the night before he was born and then we ended up with an emergency c-section. So I've learned to trust those feelings. I think that is partly the reason why I have not connected with this child the same way I did with my other children. I have been nervous to get to close. Hopefully all goes well and in 4 weeks we have a new little man living at our house and getting far too much "love and attention" from his older siblings. But in the back of my head I can't get out that we might not.

Names?

There was one more I forgot on our list...Luca.

So far I am leaning toward Raphael mostly because when I first heard it, it resonated with me. Also, because I do not like the nic-names for the other names we like. But I have heard several for Raphael and I don't mind any of them....Rafi, Rafa, Reaf, etc.

Gotta say, never ever thought I would even consider Raphael...EVER! but if we do name him that I already know what his first Halloween costume will be:)