The bad thing about no one knowing...

It happened again.  

Every cramp, every stomach pain is like a knife being twisted in my heart, reminder that my body is destroying the child I was carrying.  

Just when I think I've settled this out in my head another jab of pain throws me right back into it. 

As soon as I start thinking it must be nothing, just a little spotting, I feel the twist of my muscles mentally pulling me apart.  

I've done this 5 times and every time is different than the last and sometimes and doesn't hardly affect me at all but this time I just feel sad and angry.  

Sad that I had just gotten my head around the idea of having another little one, sad that I was just starting to get excited about the thought of it, sad that in 7 months we won't be in a surgical room getting prepped for a C-section.  

Angry because I was given a gift that I didn't know I wanted and than it was ripped from me, angry that my body doesn't do this well, angry that there is nothing I could have done, no way I could have prevented it, and no way I can change it.

I think it's even that much harder that no one knows.  That there is no one there to lean on or to sympathize with.  But isn't this the reason we chose to wait to tell everyone?  In case this were to happen AGAIN, like it has so many times before?  It doesn't make it any easier, to suffer in silence when my heart is screaming to be heard.  Not that I want anyone to know now, this being the week of Thanksgiving and I'm having a hard time feeling the spirit in it, and  I want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I don't have to think it or feel it anymore.  But since no one knows I get to plaster on my best "nothing's wrong here" face and be happy when all I want to do is cry for something I only had for a short time.

Life goes on, but sometimes I wish I could pause so I could process this before I'm expected to just move along with it.

Oh the joys

I have worked my hind end off, literally, for the past year to get into shape and lost nearly 50 lbs.  So when I found out I was pregnant again I was none to happy.  I know, "but soon you'll have a beautiful baby to hold"...blah, blah, blah.  

I never struggled with my weight growing up until after I had my first child...At 19!!  From there on out it was down hill.  Before baby girl #2 I was over weight and by 9 months pregnant I weighed 239 lbs.  Now with each kid following that I weighed less but not by a lot.  So you can see why it makes me a little nervous.  I know I'm not going to gain 100 lbs. to reach that weight again, but my problem is I have a hard time not caving to cravings and all I want lately is JUNK!  To be specific Taco Bell.  I haven't caved yet but oh man...fingers crossed I can keep up the energy, keep my butt at the gym and keep conscience of what I'm eating.

Suprise!!

So if you're reading this SSSHHHHHH!!!

Not like it's a huge suprise coming from us but we are expecting again.  We apparently DO NOT know how to plan to have kids and are not very good at our methods of prevention (although they are the same as everyone else and it's works for them).  We were more than surprised and we are trying to keep it a secret for as long as possible.  Mostly to cut down on the months of criticism from other people..lol.  

I'm still in the I want to cry my eyes out, I just spent a year losing 50 lbs., I have TWO bedrooms in my 870 sq. ft. house, where are we going to put a 5th baby, how are we going to pay for a c-section with no ins. stage of this news...but that being said I'm trying to get excited and realize that for us these babies come on God's time not ours.  So FAITH is the name of the game this time around.